


Weather

by endemictoearth



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-04-08 08:43:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4298208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endemictoearth/pseuds/endemictoearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rae and Finn drive back from the camping trip together, but this time they actually talk about what happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weather

**Author's Note:**

> So, I saw a few pictures of the drive home from the camping trip recently, and this sort of started to brew … I’ve been going back and forth on this, but I’m so confused about it, I’m just going to post it and let YOU tell me what to think about it. (It’s probs totes unrealistic, but, like, sometimes a little unreality is good in fic, right? It’s AMELIORATIVE.)

He wasn’t saying anything.

Not that he had to say anything. The radio was up and the windows were down, and everyone was knackered after not enough sleep.

But he was clearly THINKING something.

Every time Rae looked over at him, his brow was furrowed in a variation on consternation, and she couldn’t tell if his eyes were squinting against the light or because of last night.

She squirmed in her seat and felt itchy all over. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be; this wasn’t how she was supposed to feel. She was meant to be glowing and euphoric and changed. It was supposed to be a new day, a new year, a new … well, a new her was too much to ask, but she had wanted to feel  _different_  today.

Instead, she was the same. Same ugly pointless blob with a gob. Nothing had happened the night before, except awkwardness all around.

Yes, they’d slept together in the sense that they’d shared a bed, but they’d done that before. She was still virgo intacta, emblazoned with the Scarlet V. All those fantasies, all those trashy novels, all that recent solo practice … all added up to a big fat failure. She should have known she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t do anything.

After she lightly lied about having a headache, it became clear that nothing would be going on. She was both relieved and wanting to slap herself silly. She and Finn ended up talking about music for hours, holding hands, laying next to each other and looking up at the fairy lights Finn had spent hours untangling and putting up all around the caravan. And Rae felt worse and worse every minute until she finally fell into a fitful sleep.

When she awoke the next morning, he was already up. Staring out the caravan window, the early morning light outlining him like some sort of celestial being. A celestial being who was chewing on his thumbnail and looking … well. She wasn’t sure how he looked. It wasn’t exactly angry and it wasn’t exactly sad. He just looked like his brain was working overtime, and Rae assumed it was about how to get out of this. How to gracefully extricate himself from this car wreck of a relationship with a fat girl who couldn’t even … yeah. He was probably formulating a plan. She’d let him get on with that, and closed her eyes, pretending to be asleep for a few more minutes.

Meanwhile, back in the car: The two of them were still silently staring at the road, sneaking glances at one another, as Chop and Izzy slept on each other in the back. Finn kept giving Rae this squinty smile and she couldn’t tell if it was meant to be reassuring or to conceal his disappointment.

She sighed and looked out of the window at the gathering clouds. She stuck her hand out the window and felt a splash of rain on her palm. Perfect.

* * * * *

They dropped Chop and Izzy off at Chop’s place. Rae stayed in the car while Finn jumped out, dodging raindrops to help unload the tents and stuff. She watched as Finn said goodbye. She waved at Izzy from the car and was rewarded with a radiant smile. Then, she looked back to the lads, to see that Chop had a hand on Finn’s shoulder, and was saying something serious as Finn nodded at the ground. Maybe she should just get out now and walk home; rain be damned.

Finn walked back to the car, kicking a stone on the pavement. As he got in, he flashed a sheepish grin at Rae. She twisted her lips in an approximation of a smile. “Home?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure. I guess. I mean, where else?” She looked up and away at the low clouds that were drizzling down.

Finn started the car and shifted into gear, driving slowly to the end of the street. The windscreen wipers lazily made a pass at the tiny droplets. Finn paused a little too long at the junction and turned the opposite direction from Rae’s house.

“Where’re we goin’?” she asked, startled.

“Jus’ for a bit of a drive. Not ready to drop ya off yet. Is that alrigh’?” He glanced over at her, looking worried until she nodded.

“Yeah, sure. I jus’ thought maybe ya wanted …” Rae shrugged, not finishing her thought.

Finn bit his lip and sighed, but didn’t say anything as they drove further and further out of town. It was quiet in the car; the radio had been turned down to 1 on the volume knob and was indistinct from the road noise and rain.

“Y’can tell me stuff, y’know?” he said, abruptly.

Rae looked up, surprised. “Wha’?” was her first instinct, but then she looked down again and bluffed. “Yeah, I know.”

Finn glanced up at the rear view mirror and signaled as he turned off the road onto a dirt track. When the car was in park, he turned his full attention to Rae and said, “F’r instance, ya can tell me when you don’t want to do somethin’, or if you’re uncomfortable.”

Rae took a deep breath and sighed through her nose. “I’m sorry, Finn. I’m really, really, really sorry.”

“Why?” he asked, voice high.

“Because you did all tha’, the caravan an’ the lights an’ the candles an’ the vodka … an’ I bottled it. I ruined all your plans.”

He was silent for a moment. “Y’didn’t ruin anythin’, Rae,” he finally said, softly. And then, buried even further under his breath, “An’ ya couldn’t ruin  _all_  my plans, anyway.”

Rae looked up in surprise.

“Really, I should be the one apologizin’,” Finn muttered.

Rae shook her head. “What are ya on about? Ya did  _all that_  … for  _me_! I never in a million years would’ve imagined someone, anyone, would go to all the trouble …”

Finn shook his head now. “Stop that, Rae. I mean, yeah, I was hopin’ ya’d like it, obviously, bu’ … I really was thinkin’ more about what I wanted. I mean, I think that’s what I thought.”

Rae didn’t reply; didn’t know how. She didn’t know what he meant, and thought it best to let him try to get out whatever it was on his mind.

“I don’t wanna … I’m not sayin’ this to …” he sighed. “Y’know … well, maybe ya don’t, but …” He narrowed his eyes, like what he was about to say hurt him a little, and took a deep breath. “I’m not a virgin.”

Rae blinked blankly for a moment before shrugging in the affirmative. She figured he was too fit to never have done it. She wasn’t surprised by what he said, just surprised he said it.

“I haven’t done it tha’ much, just …” He shifted in his seat. “But … it’s always been sort o’ the same. Not bad, just …  _that_  was all we wanted off each other, y’know? Me an’ the girls I was … doin’ it with.”

He looked over at her, and she tried to keep her face a mask. It hurt a little, hearing that he’d done it with lots of girls. Of course he figured out she wasn’t worth it. He was gearing up to tell her.

“An’ I knew, with you … it had t’be different. Special. An’ so … the caravan.”

Well, that wasn’t what she expected to hear. Rae didn’t know what to say. She just blinked at him, wide-eyed, when he glanced over to see her reaction.

“Bu’, honestly … I should’ve jus’ talked to ya. Figured out how you was feelin’, if you was ready. Bu’ I just wanted it so much. An’ I got focused on the wrong thing. I were nervous an’ … it were easier to work on makin’ the caravan nice than to stop and talk to ya. So … I’m sorry.” He sighed a long, shaky breath.

“Finn, honestly, you don’t have to apologize. I’m the one … you have no idea how much I wanted to. How much I WANT to. Bu’ when it came to it, the … actual IT … I dunno. I went in the loo to get up me courage, but then I looked in the mirror an’ …” A tear slipped out of the corner of her eye and down her cheek. She swiped at it with the edge of her sleeve. “Oh, fuck.”

Finn turned off the engine.

“I jus’ wanna be normal, Finn. To do stuff normal people do, and not worry all the time. Bu’ normal people don’t talk about the stuff; they just do them. Do IT.” She blinked rapidly, but couldn’t keep the tears back. “I don’t wanna hafta talk about everythin’ ALL THE TIME.”

Finn unbuckled his seat belt and leaned forward to give her a hug. She stiffened for a second, then melted into his arms, squeezing back as much as her still fastened belt would allow.

Then, he pulled back a little to look up at her. He slid his front teeth back and forth across his lower lip for a moment, thinking. “But, don’t ya remember?” he asked in an earnest whisper.

“What?” Rae tried to think what she might be forgetting.

Finn gave her a little smile and said, “I  _like_  talkin’ to ya, an’—“

“An’ ya don’t like talkin’ to anyone. Yeah. That’s right.” She shook her head, laughing quietly, and glanced at the raindrops re-forming on the car window. “I do need to remember that, I guess.” She looked back at him, his eyes already fixed on hers. “You like me.”

He nodded. “An’ you like me. We established that last night, before we went in the caravan.”

Rae looked down at her hands, her lips pressing together in a line for a moment.

“What’s the matter?” Finn asked.

Rae sighed. “Nothin’. Jus’ … I don’t … ya might have to remind me. From time to time. An’ I wish ya didn’t have to, but … you say ya like me …” Finn nodded, more emphatically this time. “I jus’ … I can’t figure out why.”

Finn’s eyes flashed for a moment, and Rae couldn’t tell with what. Anger? Hurt? Confusion? All she knew was, he hadn’t said anything. And he still wasn’t talking. She felt like she was turning to stone, slowly hardening with every second of silence that slipped by.

He cleared his throat. “Relax, Rae. I’m not thinkin’ of a reason; I’m thinkin’ where do I even start?”

His words did put her at ease. Well, as close to ease as she typically got. She waited, looking at his almost unbearably beautiful profile, shining in spite of the rain clouds. To her, he seemed always to be shining. 

Then, he squeezed her hand, which he’d been holding ever since they’d broken their embrace. He still didn’t say anything, but his right forefinger came up to trace on the back of the hand he held so tightly.

It was just shapes, she didn’t recognize any letters amongst his featherlight touches. It was as if he were trying to gear up to write something, but couldn’t quite.

“Never mind. You … don’t hafta, Finn. It was stupid of me to say anythin’. Don’t worry about it.” She sat back, resting her head on the seat, her hand falling limp in his.

Finn enveloped her hand with both of his, and he leaned forward in earnest. “No, Rae! It’s jus’ … I know ya need this, an’ I want … it’s jus’ hard to find words, little things, when I like everythin’ abou’ ya.”

Rae scoffed reflexively.

“It’s true! I-I jus’ can’t … it’s all wrapped up an’ I can’t … I don’t even know how to describe it.” He looked down, muttering, “Not surprisin’. I’m fuckin’ crap at words.”

Rae’s heart contracted at this. She hadn’t meant to make him feel bad, just because she wanted him to reassure her. “No, you’re not, Finn.” She gingerly pulled her hand away from his, in order to unbuckle her seatbelt. He glanced up, a worried look in his eye, but Rae reached forward to rejoin their hands a second later. “I’m sorry I’m so much. That I ask so much of ya.” she said, squeezing his hand now.

Finn squinted over at her. “So much what? You’re not … what?”

“I’m just … too much. Too big, too loud, too crazy. An’ it’s fine if ya can’t think why ya like me. I’m jus’ happy that ya do, for now.”

Hearing her words, Finn shifted in his seat, and jutted his jaw to one side. His eyes flashed again and this time Rae recognized the anger.

“Stop it, Rae! Haven’t ya been listenin’ to me at all?”

She bit her lip and blinked rapidly.

“I wish … I wish it weren’t like this. That I wasn’t like this.” The rain outside picked up and splattered on the roof of the car. She had to raise her voice to be heard. “I wish I were easier.”

Finn stroked her hand, the rough pads of his fingers combined with the suddenly cooler air to cause chills up her spine. “I don’t,” he replied, reaching over to give her another embrace.

“Okay, then!” She hugged him back, hard, trying to show him through pounds per square inch how grateful she was; how happy he made her, despite her madness creeping through the cracks.

She decided to wish for something different. “In that case, I wish …” she whispered. She wished she could be what he deserved. She wished that she could believe him when he held her like this. She wished that her mind and her heart weren’t constantly at war. She couldn’t say those things, so instead she wished … “I wish college didn’t start tomorrow.”

Finn leaned back, a mixture of surprise and relief on his face. “Fuck, don’t I know it. I hate college. I’m only goin’ ‘cause you’ll be there.” He laced the fingers of his left hand through the fingers on her right and squeezed.

Rae smiled reflexively. She’d been so wrapped up in her own insecurities and problems; she hadn’t even considered that Finn might not be relishing returning to school. “Really? I … I thought … well, I dunno what I thought. Bu’ it’s good t’know I’m not th’only one dreadin’ it.”

“Def’nitely not.” He looked up at her suddenly. “Hey, let’s meet somewhere before school. Like, jus’ the two of us.”

Rae started to nod, then remembered her promise to Chloe and Archie. “Shit. I, uh, told the the gang we’d all meet up outside the chippy.”

Finn nodded slowly. “Yeah.” He bit his lip. “Okay. I guess we’re still part o’ the gang, huh? Even if I only really wanna be with you.” He grinned widely at her, and she blushed.

“Would be rude not to,” she agreed, allowing a smile to curl up the corners of her mouth.

Swiftly, Finn leaned forward to kiss her, his free hand cupping the side of her face. He pressed his lips insistently on her mouth and moved his tongue hungrily against hers. He let go her hand to bring his other hand up to the back of her head. She tried to catch her breath, but had no trouble matching his fervor. She remembered her flight of fancy from the drive the day before and started to giggle, and Finn pulled back, curiosity tinged with worry painted across his features.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothin’s wrong … really, it’s nothin’.”

Finn’s eyes lasered into her own, willing her to speak.

“It’s stupid; I just … when we were driving out yesterday, I had a little … daydream, I guess. That ya couldn’t wait until we got to the tent, an’ …” Her words faded, embarrassed she was even saying them aloud.

Finn just raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “An’ … ?”

“Well, you suggested … no,  _demanded_ , really, that I get in the back.”

Finn’s eyes flicked to the empty back seat, and he swallowed thickly. “Oh, yeah?”

“Mm-hmm. Silly, right? I prob’ly—“ Finn cut her off with another ravenous kiss, knocking the words out of her throat.

It was really bucketing down outside, and even from inside their kiss, Rae was aware how hard the rain was falling. It just so happened there were two reasons she might need a canoe at the moment. She pulled back to catch her breath, glancing at the rivulets of water pelting the windscreen. Finn nuzzled her just under her right ear and started placing deliberate kisses down the front of her neck. She glanced out the back window and noted they were a fair piece off the road, and relaxed for a second before getting a sudden, horrible vision.

“Finn, do you think we’ll get stuck here?! This is only a dirt road.”

Finn dragged his lower lip along her collarbone before murmuring, “I don’t care if we do get stuck.”

Rae couldn’t help but smirk at his response. She shrugged a little, and leaned forward to join their lips once more.


End file.
